I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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