The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
