I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize
