He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
