omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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