fuck your aforementioned shoe
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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