im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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