He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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