I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.