Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.