Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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