I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
