Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
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Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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