I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
