You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
the day after is always just damage control
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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