dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
