Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
as a side note pls kill me
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
