my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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