he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
soo... how was my night?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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