The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
