Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
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one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
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The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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