Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
