i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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