I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
