I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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