I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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