I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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