Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
