if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
