Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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