i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize