i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
