i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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