hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
