how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
