remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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