I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
