I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
