He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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