Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
