Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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