If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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