i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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