I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
