Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
