she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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