I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
