So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
