So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
