I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
