im drinking this country out of the recession.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
