are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
