I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
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He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
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I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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