first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low