I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
