sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
