I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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