batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Found your dick twin last night
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
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