he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
