I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
